Opening titles over est shot of mountain with castle at the top.

Ext Mountain Foothills
SAM SINISTER is sitting in his car talking to two goons, LENNY and 
GEORGE, at the foot of the big mountain (pile of brown bricks). SAM 
is an upper class Englishman, LENNY and GEORGE are ripped off from 
Of Mice And Men and/or the Warner Bros cartoons that spoofed the 
same characters.

SAM
...and remember, the vampire in the castle up there is the only one 
who knows where the gold is hidden, so you'll have to find some way 
to get the information from him.

GEORGE
No problem, boss. Lenny here knows how to *AXE* the right questions, 
don't you Lenny?

LENNY
[brandishing axe]
Sure do, George. Huh huh huh.

[LENNY and GEORGE have a good old laugh]

SAM
I'm not interested in your methods. Just make sure you come back with 
that gold. Otherwise, I will be [zoom] very [zoom] very [hugely tight 
shot of SAM's eyes only] upset.

GEORGE
Don't worry boss. You can *COUNT* on us.

SAM 
And stop doing those bloody awful puns. [rev engine] Cretins. [drives 
away with a gravelly crunch noise]

[L & G set off up the hill]

Int Castle
[A well-appointed study/drawing room with a large open fireplace, 
heraldic stuff on the walls and a big armchair. A bat flaps about 
unconvincingly, then flutters over to the chair. With a *poof* it 
turns into the COUNT. The COUNT is a distinguished old Eastern 
European nobleman with a really awful Bela Lugosi accent]

[In the distance, a wolf howls]

COUNT
Ahhh, the creatures of the night... what music they make.
(Ahhh, de krreechazz off de naiight... Whad meeyooooseek dey maieek)

[clanging chimes of doom (the doorbell) are heard]

COUNT
Who could that be?
(Who coot ded bee? - you get the idea)

[he walks through the castle to the front door and opens it]

Ahhh, visitors! One... two... two visitors, ah ah ah! 
[beat - L & G staring stonily]
Please come in gentlemen. It is so rare nowadays for me to have 
guests. Perhaps I can offer you... a quick bite...

[As he's saying all that, the goons are ushered in. We see a 
view from behind them as they go in and both are concealing 
weapons behind their backs. As the door shuts and the COUNT 
finishes his sentence, a thud is heard]

[Fade to black]

COUNT
Ow!

[Fade up to]

Int Hallway
[LENNY and GEORGE are menacing the COUNT, who has his back to 
the wall]

GEORGE
Now Lenny here is real good with that axe of his, see, so you 
better make like a {thing that spills beans - I don't know} and 
spill the beans.

COUNT
But I have no gold. I don't know what you are talking about.

GEORGE
Well, we heard different. You got to the count of three, then 
Lenny's gonna help you remember.

COUNT
This is an outrage.

GEORGE
One

COUNT
You'll be hearing from my attorney!

GEORGE
Two

COUNT
I am a humble nobleman from the old country. What would I want 
with gold?

GEORGE
Three

[LENNY swings the axe. Just as he reaches the point of no return...]

COUNT
All right, already. It's hidden in the [thud] *gak*

[beat]

[G & L look at each other, then back down at the COUNT, who is 
now headless]

GEORGE
[to camera]
Well, this all just goes to show...
[beat]
Never hatchet your counts before they chicken.

[Fade to black]

LENNY

{funny throwaway line}