Episode XIII: A Wasted Journey

The Galactic Empire is in its death throes. Five 
pilots of the Rebel Alliance have left their 
hidden base on the barren moon of Walton IV and 
made the perilous journey across the galaxy on a 
top secret mission to appear in an animated film.

Unbeknown to them, however, the film has been 
postponed due to resource problems. Their journey 
wasted, our heroes must now pack up their 
belongings and return home...

MCLEOD (scottish)
...said he did the Kessel Run in under eleven 
parsecs...

HICKS (american)
Shyeah, right! A parsec is a measure of distance.
That's like saying you can run to the store in under 
half a mile. It's meaningless.

M
Well, it sounded impressive the way he said it.

H
That Solo guy is full of it. You talk to him about 
that bar fight in Mos Eisley - half the time he says 
the green guy fired first, the other half it was him. 
The guy has some kind of split personality or something.

M
I like him. He might tell a few tall stories, but 
he's always got your back in a fight. You're just 
jealous because the Princess fancies him and not you.

H
Am not! Anyway, I heard he's been shooting blanks 
since they thawed him out, if you know what I mean. 
Carbon freezing will do that to a man, you know.

M
That's bantha poodoo! You started that rumour 
yourself. It won't work, either. She still doesn't 
know you exist.

H 
Well, she would have known about me if we'd got to 
appear in this movie like we were supposed to. I'd 
really figured out my character, you know - his 
motivation. There was a lot of hidden depth in there. 
I think I had my lines...

M
*Line*

H
OK, *line* pretty darn close to perfect. Listen: 
*ahem* "Commander, this is... making me... feel bad"

M
You idiot. You can't even get that right. It's 
supposed to be "Commander, I have a bad feeling about 
this." They should have given me that part. I'd have 
been a natural.

SARGE (shouting)
BLAH BLAH BLAH

H
OK Sarge. Geez, I didn't expect the Imperial Inquisition

[VADER and TROOPERS run on]

V
NOBODY expects the Imperial Inquisition! Our chief 
weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and 
surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...
and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are 
fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost 
fanatical devotion to the Emperor.... Our *four*...no... 
*Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are 
such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again



Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke 
her with the soft cushions!